Hello everyone!! It's me again with a neeeew blog!!

**CAREFULLLL some heavy subjects here!! sorry!! got carried away!!

Ooooh ever since I started in this new school I've been, like, more "rebelious" than ever (I can't find a different word..), Mid recess we went out of the school to get more water on our water bottles lmao

It feels so different. We don't have an assigned classroom so we change classroom per class- I'm pretty sure they call it ambulatory classes or something similar to that! I've had this but not as extreme as in this new school before. And the school i was before this one didn't have ambulatory classes since it was so small it was impossible!

Being here has been so fun honestly, I don't feel like going back to my old school anymore, I mean, I miss my friends and I wish i graduated with them, but i don't want to come back to that prision ass school ykwim? It was soo restrictive and i never felt that restricted until i started going on this school, i feel like i missed out so much on my life and wish that i went to a public school sooner...

While at school i took pictures of my friends and classmates, some really nice ones came out, but I want to share this picture today:

Late morning sky, it was very sunny

there is this super weird classmate who i'm pretty sure is kinda trying to bully me i think but i just think he's insanely cringe and ambarrassing to hang around with, he hangs out with two girls i've been trying to talk to since they are super nice but him being there is sooo akward man, like, he's genuinely so fucking lame, and i thought i acted like a loser lmao, straight men are very akward, specially those who try to be all tough and adgy and shit, its so funny to see them embarrass themselves but i also feel really bad, they are trying so hard to fit in...

For a long time, not to say my whole life, i've been trying to just fit in with ppl my age, they are so complicated and i never able to always come up with conversation on the spot and i feel i just bore them out or they think im annoying, being bullied your whole entire life, specially by something you can't control like your autism, really fucks you up man believe me. I lived my life being seen as a pet, as a sex object, as that stereotypical hentai trope of "innocently doesn't realize how sexy she is!" and as not smart enough to live by my own and its really upsetting to me, its so hard for me to understand what am i fucking doing wrong, like, why are you looking at me like that why are you so weird... I've been doing everything i can to just fit in, pushing myself to the edge and even having meltdowns back home out of the social tiredness and the extreme stress. I'm glad school will be over but i think uni will actually kill me this time, middle school almost did and that was like lvl 1 on the autistic life rpg... Its so tiring, i wish i was normal and could blend in with everyone. I think i've found my people in the past 3 years of my life, so many failed me but there were a few ones that stayed and i appreciate them so deeply. They don't seem to realise that they truly have been the only people that didn't hate me for existing too close to them, everyone has, even at some point, and i wish i could see my stats and repeat my days so i could fix my unseen mistakes

Going out this much tires my body very heavily! My joints have been in pain more than usual but i've been exercising at home and resting my body after to avoid injuries. I'm not this used to, like, going out and walking sooo much and talking soo much and being around such a large group of people, specially mostly new and strangers, having to introduce myself very 5 seconds and be very very concious of my body to avoid stimming too much and having tics while they're looking its really hard... Bringing my noise cancelling headphones have helped me, but I had to explain to my classmates what they were, surprisingly they were really understanding of it so i guess its fine but im still self concious about it. I try to wear them as little as possible but it has been difficult, the chairs and tables move so loudly! and the boys play ball all day!!

Im rocking back sideways as I write this, i have been suppresing my stims all day long and i need to release, i wish i could act like myself as usual, but with my stupid aunt and my grandpa and now my new school and classes and classmates it has been so difficult. I stay up late to be able to recharge for the next day but my mom doesn't understand and gets mad about it, but how else will i recharge? I don't have my own room, my computer is in the living room so that's no longer my safe space. My dad took my laptop to fix it (and my grandpa's sickness made him forget about it, would remind him but i feel that he's going through way too much to worry about me) so i can't go to my shared room with my mom and use it to avoid the big amount of movement in the living room... And if i did, that wouldn't last long since my mom comes always into the room, invades my space of peace, and talks for hours on end and i can't tell her to shut up because talking to me is her safe space and she is going through way too much for my problems to be important right now. I don't even ask for food until or im offered to eat or im in deep pain out of the hunger, because my necesities always make my parents complain and complain and i want to stop bothering them so much but i can't help it if they never allow me to do and be by my own, in their eyes am a helpess child and they will never make me not helplessly dependant on them, i don't know what to do

And I'm crying now, had to take my glasses off, everything is sooo overwhelming, i really need a space to jus tbe alone and be myself without having 6 interrumptions per second, i feel like i never got to enjoy my teenage years nor my childhood. My life has never been easy, being born female, a lesbian, in VENEZUELA, autistic and physically disabled, with parents like mine, a school life like what i had, and don't evne mention my love life i only had one real partner and it was the worst thing to happen to me in the last 5 years, honestly... or maybe best? idk there are pros and cons to shit lmao

i have a random video in the background as i write this, some relaxing music with imagery of the Okinawa Churaumi Aquarium, there are whale sharks wandering around, i really love whale sharks! these types of marine videos help me inspire to write here on this blog and the music makes me feel better (a bit emotional, but i think i need to feel, so it means im feeling better, not feeling is feeling worse.. i think)

This is longer than expected... ended up loosing track of the length of this blog like i do quite often, whoever is reading this hope you enjoyed, if u want share my blog with the world or whatever, even if you share like a screenshot to your friends thinking wow what a dumbass loser i'm still thankfull you read this, and i love u, have a good night! aaand if uuuu want to keep reading u can add me on spacehey or subscribe so you can get notifs and stuff!! idk how blogs work that well but anyway