I actually own the cd, like, the original cd, I ripped (is that how you say it?) the cd content's on my pc since it has a cd-player integrated, which i find super cool, I use it a lot with my other cd stuffs. I'm not a Beatles fan like at all lmao but I really like this specific album, specially like this track, both the original too, its such a great song for me, and this orchestral version is so beautiful, feels like true love.
I've been struggling to draw aaaaaall day, my aunt now its coming here to work on my mother's pc (which is next to mine, I don't have my own room or space, my dad took it since he cheated and doesn't want to share rooms with my mom a few years ago), and she's incredibly annoying, she LOVES to be ALWAYS right no matter right and acts like her last name is Einstein or some shit... Fuck, like, she's SO nosy i can't even BREATH near her without her getting angry on me growing up (like literally any human being) and not putting up with her shit anymore, she infantilises me so much because of my autism and then get angry saying that i'm now a grown up and that i'm a "big lady" now the second she sees me watching literally any cartoon (even adult or teen ones lmao) or playing any videogame because that's childish for her, so yeah its not nice to draw with someone like that next to you
I'm not quite sure how to explain this, like, at all, but there is always someone talking or next to me or doing stuff around me or watching the tv so loudly as if they NEED me to ask what they're watching of soind (looking at you dad) or they randomly sit at MY spot and start talking so loud (absolutely forgetting that I'm noise sensitive btw) or fighting over dumb shit that I have to leave and isolate myself in another room, and its all great until someone (mostly my mom) gets bored or angry or annoyed and they come to where i am to continue talking and talking and talking and asking me stuff and i just want to rest because there is too much socialising for me and i can't tell anyone to shut up because they'll get sad or angry, and don't get me wrong I love my family and spending time with them and stuff but ALWAYS having to TALK and SOCIALISE and INTERACT its so tiring to me, i always have to put up a mask and be so careful and coincious about my face and movements and to avoid the tics (idk if they're tics but they are annoying at least) and the stimming to not get asked 700 times if im okay or get laughed at or get looked at as if i just killed somebody
My mom suffers from anxiety, and it isn't her fault that her main trigger is health, so she gets really really pushy and intense whenever me or my brother or annyone has a slightly different face or we sneeze or whatever and when i tell her i'm okay after the 70th time in the last minute of her saying "are you sick? do you have a fever? is your pain worse? what pill do you need? are you okay? are you sick?" then suddenly i'm moody and she gets on the 30th rant of the day of how we are mistreating her because she's only trying to be caring for us, and she does take good care of me and i love my mom but she is SO tiring and overstimualting me all the time cause she CAN'T shut up for 5 minutes without literally start tweaking and breaking her silence with repeating the same joke she made 3 minutes ago or telling the exact same story for the 50th time, she has said that story so many time that i memorized names, locations, phone numbers and dates and hours
she also has this bad habbit of like, lets say, "do you want pasta?" "oh yeah pasta is fi-" "or do you prefer to eat bread instead?" "no, i said pasta was great mo-" "or do you want meat? pasta, bread or meat? decide already!" "i said pasta, mom" "oh okay... are you sure?" "yes, i want pasta" "sure right? i dont't want to cook the wrong thi-" "i already said i wanted pasta mom, its okay" "DONT interrumpt me you KNOW i hate-" and she just loses her time like that, rambling and rambling, when i gave her a really clear answer at the start and that made me really dislike ppl who DON'T finish asking their questions, it actually drives me INSANE
And my father has the horrific habit of getting all piss baby whenever we point out he's wrong or when he had a bad day at his job like its our fault, one time I asked if he could wash my plate that night (right after dinner), he threw the sponge at me and started to rant about how i have to know how to clean the plate and cook and do household stuff because its a life skill (and quietly said that because i'm a girl and its a girl thing like come on bro), says the man that can't was a fucking plate all he does is fill it with water and call it a day, i literally sit and clean all the """clean""" plates everyday after he does because i can't believe he is stupid enough to just... fill them with water... how??? and then he went like erm that was a joke heh... and left the kitchen without doing shit and i was just so confused
On another ocassion i told him, while crying btw, that i really hated how he treated my mom, he just went "yeah... fuck whatever you say, yeah yeah", he didn't even listen to me at all he just kept saying "yeah yeah i'm the bad guy" and left. And then acted all sweet and shit like nothing happened. He was screaming at my mom btw like in front of me, but i love how she always puts him in his place because he thinks he's all baddas but my mom always is stronger and louder and more aggresive than him and he's just a coward kid trying to act all grown up, my mom told me the story on how he punched a wall once out of anger and she cheered him on while calling him baby boy and kiddo and similar names and bullied the shit out of him for MONTHS, he was so humillated he never did that stupid alpha male shit ever again lmao
um ended up ranting about my parents a little bit lmao, i guess it made me feel better to get that out of my chest? yeah i think it did, i feel slightly less heavy now, I mean, ever since i turned like idk 6? I've felt so heavy and like I'm seeing everything through a camara and it just kept getting heavier and less real over the years, i don't know what it is but art made me feel like i was real, and it keeps doing so, singing, painting, drawing, listening, watching, attending to events, talking with like-minded ppl, it makes it feel real for a few minutes to me, but then it ends and i'm back at the pit covered in mud and tears and so lonely, but not alone if that makes sense, there are bugs and animals around and they keep me company, sometimes i like it that way, just me and the animals and the bugs, but the unwanted people scare them away and im unsafe again, idk if that makes sense but still that's kind of how it feels
other way i see it also, that weird chest feeling i have, the buzzing in my head, feels like laying naked in the snow, my clothes are next to me and i could just take them, put them on and get home, which is a few steps away, but i just... can't for some reason, my limbs don't move like at all no matter how hard i try but i'm okay if i close my eyes, during the night, when the people aren't looking at my body and stepping over me
that's weird, whatever
byee, i'll go to sleep, now, love u, take care
No comments:
Post a Comment