[DIARY] i'm so tired ugh

 I've innitially typed this out on my phone, so it might be a bit sloppy, i don't really have that much mental energy right now i hope u understand, also this is obviosly a vent post but come on its a diary blog you gotta expect this at some point right? Makes me feel better having the idea that maybe someone out there cared enough to read my thoughts even if i don't make much sense

I’m very sick, i haven’t been able to go to school or do homework, that is making me anxious 

Its been a week, a week of sickness in the busiest school week, im failing this fucking year and its always my health’s fault 

I’ve been quarantined for a few days, alongside my mommy because she’s sick too, my grandpa has cancer and he cannot catch a cold in the moment

My stupid dad never has money unless for himself, he say’s that hes working and i don’t doubt it but he isn’t doing enough, we are in so much debt, in so many problems, it feels like the world is crushing me and I’m 17, i can’t let myself be crushed yet, i haven’t lived, i haven’t even had my own room since i was 7 nor cooked my own meal everything is so scary and my mom makes it so much more scary with her fucking anxiety and its not her fault but sometimes i wish that i had at least one normal adult in my life that actually did something that isn’t making it worse

My heart is racing at minimum movement and I’ve tried to not move at all today but its only making my spasms worse and i don’t want to keep burdening my mom, im even typing this on english just in case

Im so tired

I want to be alone

I want to be normal, stop being always sick and tired and full of worries

I just want to sing and get pokemon cards and draw fanart of my favorite characters not thinking when should i be seeing my cardiologist that i can’t afford and when will the gofundme reach its goal so i can pay ONE of the trillions of debts i have because of my father and my grandpas health issues and my health issues 

I don’t want my mom seeing me crying or she will worry im burdening her since i was born and i want to stop being such an annoying trashhead

I can’t stop caughing

Please stop, make it stop now

only one person from school texted me in the entire week asking if i was okay, the ones who said were my friends didn't and i had to reach out to tell them i was sick, they just went like oh that sucks and i am surprised i expected more, like, talking to me or something, offering help with the missing school work or whatever just, just caring you know?

I had to reach out and take the opportunity to ask about the school work i was missing and its so much is so overwhelming and my mom insists that im okay enough to do it and stop being a lazy fuck but i feel so tired and hopeless and i just feel like more and more and more weight its getting on my
shoulders by the second and i don't know what to do about it and its making me cry and by jaw to keep hurting and my chronic pain just gets worse and there is nothing i can't do cause i can't afford more painkillers and i don't want to depend on them i don't want more pills 

i just want to be happy and normal and living my dreams why is that so hard? why is it so hard to be kind to me? why is it so hard to stand up? i does everyone get what they want to do in life and not me? why can't i be healthy like them?

how does my mom not want me to get desperate when everything around us is falling appart now? i want to keep smiling but my cheeks hurt and my eyes are too tired to keep making it look convincing for her fuck i feel so pathetic saying that but its like that i have been like that my whole like and i can't keep on doing it anymore but stoping will only make matters worse because it would be another more thing to care about

i hate my life

at least a chiikawa movie will come out next year so there is something to wish for for now

hope i get to see a ballet performance sometime, haven't gone in years because we can't afford it

i wanted to do ballet

that was a stupid dream

but now i want to sing and make drawings for childrens books

is that stupid too?

i think it is

i should prepare for becoming a NEET i have literally no fucking hope in this shitty fucking country

see you soon