Alright there is, like, a LOT to unpack here, So I'll start with the light stuff:
*so um really heavy topics on this one guys! I'm sorry, please take care of yourself! :(
Hi! I've been like, super distant from this blog and all, like I said in my past update, I haven't been feeling much um motivated? to post things really anywhere, or at least until recently. This has also affected my art accounts as well, specially my deviant art and my tumblr, we don't talk about my dead-ass instagram that shit has been dead for over a year... I've been posting on spacehey my art and also on crimson daggers and the previously mentioned socials, mainly its just um Gorillaz fanart but I might post oc art here on when i understand how no make a neocities lmao ik no one cares but i care and that's enough
Alllllllriiiiiiiight, so, first shit that happened since um my absense and all that, my ex fucking broke up with me cause her parents being homophobic and kicking her out of their home and leaving her homeless was obviously MY fault and she blamed me for her parents being shitty like i didn't tell her in the past that if that happened- no, WHEN IT happened because with CARELESS she was it was just a matter of WHEN! she had a space at my home, so yeah uh fuck her ass I guess idk I feel horrible, but I guess i have to move on now or whatever my online friends told me
I dyed my hair blue cause I love Gorillaz (NEW ALBUM NEXT YEAR BABEEEEEEYYYY THIS WILL BE SO PEAK) but at the moment of writing the color already faded :/ I loved how the color looked on me so I'm re-dying it after-school! Also got diagnosed with autism and shit so um yeah I love Gorillaz- Oh yeah, my birthday!! It went AWEEEESOOOOME so much more fun than i thought!! I never had like a reunion this big before as far as my memory can go and its just so cool, amazing 17 birthday!!!
On a little um positive? subject: I've deeply expanded my mp3 collection with now about over a 100 albums downloaded (a few are digital-buys from bandcamp), both from artists/bands/groups i'm a big fan of and ones that i'm not too educated on or straight up completely new to me. Also been really into Katseye lately, felt like mentioning...
Going back to my life, my grandpa has been living with us after many years of no contact with him since he's currently sick, recently (and i mean a few hours ago at the time of writing) he has just retuned from hospitalization, I'm worried for his health as much as I actually don't know him much, he wasn't really that um present in my life and he supported my father's cheating (but they don't know I know lmao) so its lowk akward for me but i try and keep a big smile for the old man, he's going through enough stress already with his son and his sickness.
Being single, at least right now, has been somehow... liberating? I don't know how to describe it, but I haven't been single in 3 years and now suddenly i am and its like wow i can do so many stuff now as weird as that sounds, I've been reflecting a lot on my past relationship and I swear I was doing everything for her and she did the bare minimum, I'm always giving my ALL all the time but she was just like there? if that makes sense? Ugh, It fucking sucks man, but I guess God wanted me to raise my standards a little bit..
As horrible this sounds, I've had opportunities to cheat in the past and I never did, because I loved her, but she clearly didn't love me the way I loved her, sometimes the thought that maybe she used her parents as an excuse to run into some hotter girl's arms sickens me, but I'd understand it if she did, i don't think she actually did but you never know ya know?
This also made me think of my other past "relationship" if you could call it that, the motherfucker who raped me and forced me to date her, who enjoyed hurting me physically and emotionally, the one who made fun of me along-side my bullies and ended up leaving me cause I wasn't good enough... Yeah, i have NOT been luck at all in relationships, or romance, of socializing with ppl i might be attracted to or attracted to me really. I've had stalkers in the past which is another whole story, my friend say my life is like a fucking sitcom lmao its so ridiculous, i hate sitcoms, its very rare when i enjoy one.
These few months have been an amotional rollercoster for me, I'll start going to therapy very soon (for my autism), I've been trying to get in contact with the person in the orchestra in my town but i haven't been getting much response on allowing me in as she promised, she's been busy so i don't mind but im lowk desperate lmao, i have this stupid silly imposible ass dream of, maybe, becoming a jazz singer or something like that or maybe an opera singer? jazz sounds more fun to me, but still.
I've been a huge fan of Jazz since... um... like... like since i have memory! Its so dear to me, Ella Fitzgerald, Louies Armstrong, Julie London, Chet Baker, Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, Nat 'King' Cole, Frank Sinatra, Miles Davis Quintet... So many artists that have inspired me so much and made me want to sing, that made me feel love on my heart and soul, so, so deeply. And I know I wont ever achieve that, I mean, I've painted and I've drawn for so long its OBVIOUS that has to be my profession! And even so I'm not even choosing to study that at all!! I'll go for languages!! But i don't think it hurts to imagine myself on stage singing my favorite jazz classics or my own jazz songs sometimes don't you think?
My family and many friend call my singing a gift, refer to it as beautiful, and I appreciate those compliments so deeply, but deep down I know that singing won't take me anywhere, nor playing piano like i always wanted, i always wanted to play my favorite jazz tunes on the piano and sing their beautiful lyrics all day long and i love it so much but it won't give me a sustainable life. If im not world-famous, i won't ever get paid, and if i go world-famous, i don't know if i'll be able to... live like that. I think. I'm not sure what i want now in life, I'm one year away from adulthood, one year away from deciding who i'll be for the rest of my life and the thought is so draining.
My parents say that i don't need to rush, that whatever i do they'll support me and love me, but im not sure if I'll love myself when i decide what to do in the end, I'm not sure if it would be enough for me, i'm not sure if it will make me truly happy.
Okay so that got um deeper than i intended it to be, sorry lmao- WHY DO I APOLOGISE THIS IS MY FUCKING OWN BLOG I DO WHATEVER I WANT yeah so um anyways yeah uh i love you thank you for reading my stuff and all heh yeah um byeeee take caaaare
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